also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
smell my finger.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
