I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
