I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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