She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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