Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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