It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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