Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
