There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
