So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Randomize
