whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
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