You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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