I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
