It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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