Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
i think my cat just said my name.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
