Your tits are I can't wait for
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
It was confusing and full of hummus
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
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