Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
