allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
