you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
