'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Randomize
