I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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