And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
