he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Randomize
