i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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