Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
