and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
as a side note pls kill me
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
