if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Randomize
