when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
