I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
