Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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