How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
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