He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
