I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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