She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Randomize
