tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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