eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
