I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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