when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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