He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Shame is for Republicans.
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