Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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