saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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