In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
