im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
