Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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