My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
