you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
