as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
