everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
