don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
What changed your mind?
Being sober
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
