I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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