i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
