Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
